All Of The Unsaid Things

(Running through my head, running through my head)

When I love you, I love you unconditionally. When I like you, I tolerate your faults. When I dislike you, I distance myself. And when I hate you I imagine you and me in my head. I tell you all the hurtful things about you. But I'll never speak them to you. I wouldn't want to hurt you like you do me. Weakness? No. Strength. I forgive your hurtful ways time after time. Believe me, it takes strength to forgive some one. Especially for the umpteenth time. I may cut you out of my life for short periods of time but I'll always accept you back, your my partner in crime. If I didnt accept you back I'd have to kill you, you know too much!

(Sometimes I blog like this. The truthful all knowing heart of me. In the wee small hours of the morning when my heads whirring and I'm trying to get to sleep but cant. So insted I grab a pen and paper and jot down my thoughts. Its easier to clear my mind and then easier to get to sleep. Kind of like getting things off my chest, so to speak.)

Disclaimer: I would never kill anyone. Used above is a figure of speach! Thank you!

Leanne x

The hardest thing about losing a friend

I just re-read a blog i wrote on the 28th November 2009 called 'Friend or Foe'. It got me thinking about that person in general. If im honest with myself I do miss her. Miss her daughter also, and her mum. And this is the reason for this blog. The hardest thing about losing a friend is re-adjusting. I mean i'm doubting myself for breaking a friendship which uptil a year ago i would have said is the best friendship ive ever had. But at the same time its a few months on and this person inparticular isnt really bothered that i am no longer around. It seems to me like i held the friendship in high regard and she thinks so little of the relationship we had that she hasnt batted an eye lid.

Am i stupid for doubting myself? More to the point am i stupid for wishing that there was something there to slavage? I like to think im a good friend but am i just a good friend in my own mind and no one elses? I mean, if i was that good of a friend wouldnt she want to be friends with me? Is that egotistical? By the way my brain just went haha testical!

Anyway like i was saying.. the thing that brought this friendship to an end was a stupid thing really. An arguement over who let who down more. I dont want to count the times when we've let each other down, it doesnt seem that important anymore. I found myself thinking of the memories and the previous arguments we had. The times reminicing over them and then laughing at how stupid we were to have argued over such trivial things in the first place. This doesnt seem like one of those times.

If fiendship was easy then the world would be boring. But in this case it ws never easy. Its like Lady gaga and beyonce once said:

Beyonce: "you know what they say Gaga, Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if its broke.."

Gaga: "but you can still see the crack in that motherf**kers reflection".

I think this blog lost the point a little. But what im basically saying is friendships either grows stronger with each argument or sometimes, no matter how strong a relationship seems it can still be shook so violently that theres nothing left to build back up from. Is this the case here? Who knows. Am I wishing and hoping one day i wont be the only one who cares that this relationship as it sits broken and damaged seemingly beyond repair.. of course.

I wanted to share a poem about friendship which i personally think is beautiful.

"A friend is like a flower,

a rose to be exact,

Or maye like a brand new gate,

that never comes unlatched.

A friend is like an owl,

both beautiful and wise.

Or perhaps a friend is like a ghost,

whose spirit never dies.

A friend is like a heart that goes

strong until the end.

Where would we be in this world,

if we didnt have a friend

By Adrianne S

Love your friends while you have the chance, you never know when they wont be around anymore! I wont say sorry because the way i see it i wasnt the only one who was in the wrong, but at the same time i seem to be the only one who cares. C'est la vie!

Leanne x

Friend or Foe

Recently I lost a "good" friendship and it got me thinking. This friendship in question, well, we had been friends since we were about 9 years old (21 now). But for the past year I felt she only called me when she wanted something, I felt unapreciated in anything I did for her and I felt second best. I think im worth more than that. I told her how I felt after one of the many times she let me down, truth be told she let my sister and her son down not me as she was going to my sisters to see Nate, my nephew and didnt show or answer her phone when we called. But anyway, I told her how I felt and she responded with "grow up".

To which i replied, that if she one day soon found out that she valued our friendship or actually cared to text me and let me know. To be honest with you all, She had a baby in October 2008. She had to move away from buxton to a village about 10 minutes away. I helped her move there and decorate! I went down to see her when ever I could. I stayed with her over night when she was feeling lonely or a little low. I was there for her when no one else wanted to be, and what did I want in return? Maybe a thankyou, or even a phone call once in a while to ask how im doing for a change. Or even an invite on a night out. But none of that happened even when she moved back to Buxton. To a flat where, once again I helped her move, I helped her decorate! She did call me once though, to baby sit so she could go out.

Is it so much to ask for a "how are you?" or even "Do you fancy a dvd night?". It seems so.

Leanne x